In April and May, Sexual Assault Awareness Month is observed in the United States and Canada, respectively. The rates of sexual assault are still staggering. This is a time where we pause to highlight cases of sexual violence directed towards women and girls and amplify voices of survivors. Official statistics show that before the age of 18, 42% of American females will have experienced at least one completed rape. Black women and girls are disproportionately represented among these numbers. According to the National Center on Violence Against Women in the Black Community, “[for] every black woman who reports rape, at least 15 black women do not report.”
The sounding mantra on social media posts this month is #consentrules. But that does not appropriately address the brutality, violence, and trauma black women experience when their bodies are used and abused. It is time to yell NO louder. We have the right to say NO if we do not want or invite sexual advances by predatory men. NO to taking our innocence. NO to violating young girls’ bodies. NO to the hyper sexualization of black women’s bodies. NO to seeing us as less than human. NO to victim blaming. And YES to protecting black women- body, mind, and soul.
Be Safe,
Laurie
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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the Caribbean, the United Kingdom, and the United States. In Canada, it is recognized in November. Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a time where we pause to highlight domestic violence issues in our communities, offer enhanced resources and assistance to victims, and carve out new space for survivors to share their stories on the road to healing. But really, every month should be domestic violence awareness month because women are being abused by intimate partners every day of the year all over the world. In fact, according to the UN (2018), one in three women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime.
In my work with domestic violence victims at Cupid’s Sting, they have so much going on in their lives with a stress level of 100. They are making decisions about whether to stay with their abusive partner or to leave, taking care of their children and shielding them from the abuse, working, dealing with the police, the courts, and the list goes on. One of the things I always recommend is that they take time for themselves and practice self-care. On September 30, 2020 I had the pleasure of speaking to Ms. Brooke Senior, a DBT Therapist who offered some information on coping skills for domestic violence victims and shed some light into the practice of self-care and mindfulness. Below is a snapshot of our conversation.
Samuel: “What is self-care?”
Senior: “Self-care is just what it sounds like, taking care of yourself, but what does that mean? It is so much more than what the media portrays. It is not just manicures and massages and warm baths, although, those things are nice and have their place! It is about finding time and holding space for your overall physical and mental wellness, as well as your safety. To me, self-care is also community care. Without taking care of ourselves, we cannot take care of others. When we do both, that is a community.”
Samuel: “The part you described about safety really resonates with me based on the work I do in women’s safety. I often tell women that taking care of themselves is vitally important as it is at that point where they are tired and run-down that they are more easily victimized.”
Senior: “Right. And if you don’t take care of you, you cannot take care of anyone else.”
Samuel: “So, self-care and mindfulness are connected right? What is mindfulness and why is it important.”
Senior: “Good question. Mindfulness is the act of consciously focusing the mind on the present moment without judgment or attachment. For example, paying attention to the present moment, ‘What is going on around me? What are my surroundings? What is happening in my body/what physiological sensations am I experiencing right now? What am I feeling?’ Really taking time to recognize what is going on in these moments, not judging them as “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong,” etc, while also recognizing that this moment, these things, will pass.” A way to practice this is it to use what I call the “how” and “what” skills, which means to observe, describe, and participate in the present moment and do so nonjudgmentally (try not to use words like “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” just the facts), one-mindfully (one thing at a time), and effectively (figure out what works for YOU.. for example, if you know that having a conversation with a person at 9:00 pm is not going to go well then do not do that!).”
Samuel: “Again, this is so important as it relates to domestic violence victims who are often hard on themselves for not getting out sooner or seeing red flags in their relationship. But in order to move on, they need to let go of the judgment and focus on what they can control in the moment. And for me, being in the moment also means they are paying attention to what is going on around them which is an important safety skill. Now, what is DBT and how can the skills assist domestic violence victims?”
Senior: “Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on reducing unwanted or “maladaptive behaviors,” and creating new, healthy patterns of behavior by learning coping skills. What I love about this therapy so much is that we ALL need skills! Skills help us every day of our life, and the skills that we learn in DBT focus on building healthy relationships and ending unhealthy relationships (interpersonal effectiveness), living in the moment (mindfulness), handling crisis and/or difficult moments in safe and healthy ways (distress tolerance) and regulating our emotions (emotion regulation). We all can benefit from that. Another important aspect of DBT to highlight is that this therapy also focuses on working to find the synthesis between things that may feel like polar opposites, or things that we do not always realize can exist simultaneously (this is the “dialectic” piece). An example of this is “change and acceptance,” which is the core dialectic in DBT: we can (work to) accept our circumstances, our past, things that are happening or have happened to us, etc, while also working to create lasting and powerful change in our lives. Another powerful dialectic is that we can love someone, AND also recognize that the relationship is unhealthy for us, or does not align with our values and long-term goals. Dialectics can be difficult, and they can help create such powerful balance in our lives. Through learning different skills and working to find acceptance and create change in our lives, we can build what is known in DBT as, “our life worth living.”
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Ms. Senior provided some practical and useful skills everyone can employ to take care of themselves. Review them and reach out if you have any questions. Carve out some time for yourself. Slow down. Breathe. You are able to make better decisions when you have a clear head and your mind is not full of racing thoughts. I know it is hard but your safety, your life is more important.
Be safe,
L.J.
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Learn more about Cupid’s Sting Non-Profit at @cupidssting (Facebook), @cupidssting (Instagram), and @Cupids_Sting (Twitter)
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards. For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass their lips. For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back. For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain. Pain borne out of insecurity. Pain borne out of misplaced blame. Pain borne out of pure evil. Love is not supposed to hurt. But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.
Here are the facts:
Every 17 minutes, a woman in Canada is sexually assaulted;
1 in 3 women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime;
College age women are three times more likely to experience sexual violence than any other age group; and
Domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death among black women 15-35 years of age.
Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to hit. Love is not supposed to kill. This is not love. Sadly, victims often suffer in silence. They do not tell because they truly love their partners. They do not tell because they are embarrassed. They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support. And they do not tell because they do not want to hand over the person they love to the police.
Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal. Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing safe spaces to victims is key. These statistics no longer need to be our reality. Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help. Let’s end this now. Change the norm. Know the signs. Acknowledge the behavior. Condemn abusers and help the victims.
Dr. L.J. Samuel is an Author and Criminologist working in Washington, DC, Toronto, ON, and St. John’s, Antigua. She is the founder of the non-profit Cupid’s Sting where she teaches women live-saving skills to reduce their potential victimization. She may be reached at info@cupidssting.org.
Assaulted Women’s Helpline 1-866-863-0511
The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).
It is that time of year again: Carnival! Carnival is in full swing around the world from Antigua to Toronto to London. On Saturday, August 3, 2019 Toronto will host its 52nd annual Caribana festival. Caribana is a huge Caribbean celebration that millions of people from across the globe converge on the city to enjoy. Carnival is a time to let loose, have fun, dance, dance, and dance. It is also a time to be mindful of safety. I have partnered with Cupid’s Sting, a non-profit interpersonal violence reduction program to bring you some tips to ensure a safe and enjoyable time during whatever Carnival celebration you plan to attend.
Carnival Safety Tips
Travel in groups and with people you know.
Know your route (Google is your friend).
Be aware of your surroundings.
Always let someone know where you will be.
Designate a meet-up spot in case you are separated from your friends.
Purchase your own drinks.
Don’t leave drinks unattended.
Use a car service such as Uber or Lyft if you will be drinking.
Carry an extra battery pack for your cell phone.
Wear comfy shoes.
If you are someplace where you do not feel safe or comfortable, leave.
If you are a victim of theft or assault, let the authorities know. Never be embarrassed or scared as you have the right to be safe.
Just some simple safety reminders as you fete. Enjoy the bacchanal!
Today is Valentine’s Day. Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards. For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass her lips. For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back. For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain. Pain borne out of insecurity. Pain borne out of misplaced blame. Pain borne out of pure evil. Love is not supposed to hurt. But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.
Like many crimes, blacks are disproportionately represented as victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence. Black women are 35% more likely to be victimized by a partner than white women (NCADV, 2017). Black women are also three times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner. Among black women ages15-35, domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death. Love is not supposed to hurt. Love is not supposed to hit. Love is not supposed to kill. This is not love. Sadly, these victims often suffer in silence. They do not tell because they truly love their partners. They do not tell because they are embarrassed. They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support. And they do not tell because they do not want to hand their man over to the police, an institution that has historically brutalized black men.
Domestic violence and intimate partner violence is such a complex issue that often those on the periphery resort to victim blaming. Further in some communities of color this phenomenon is normalized with abusers given a pass. This behavior is not normal. Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal. The black community needs to confront this issue and bring it out into the open. Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing access to resources for victims and their support system are key. These statistics no longer need to be our reality. Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help. Let’s end this now. Change the norm. Know the signs. Acknowledge the behavior. Condemn abusers and help the victims.
Be safe,
L.J. Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213/@Cupids_Sting Follow me on Instagram: @cupidssting
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