Abuse

Taking Care of Yourself, Even in the Midst of an Abusive Relationship

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

By: Laurie Samuel, Ph.D.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the Caribbean, the United Kingdom, and the United States.  In Canada, it is recognized in November.  Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a time where we pause to highlight domestic violence issues in our communities, offer enhanced resources and assistance to victims, and carve out new space for survivors to share their stories on the road to healing.  But really, every month should be domestic violence awareness month because women are being abused by intimate partners every day of the year all over the world.  In fact, according to the UN (2018), one in three women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime.

In my work with domestic violence victims at Cupid’s Sting, they have so much going on in their lives with a stress level of 100.  They are making decisions about whether to stay with their abusive partner or to leave, taking care of their children and shielding them from the abuse, working, dealing with the police, the courts, and the list goes on.  One of the things I always recommend is that they take time for themselves and practice self-care.  On September 30, 2020 I had the pleasure of speaking to Ms. Brooke Senior, a DBT Therapist who offered some information on coping skills for domestic violence victims and shed some light into the practice of self-care and mindfulness.  Below is a snapshot of our conversation.

Samuel: “What is self-care?”

Senior: “Self-care is just what it sounds like, taking care of yourself, but what does that mean? It is so much more than what the media portrays. It is not just manicures and massages and warm baths, although, those things are nice and have their place! It is about finding time and holding space for your overall physical and mental wellness, as well as your safety. To me, self-care is also community care. Without taking care of ourselves, we cannot take care of others. When we do both, that is a community.”

Samuel: “The part you described about safety really resonates with me based on the work I do in women’s safety.  I often tell women that taking care of themselves is vitally important as it is at that point where they are tired and run-down that they are more easily victimized.”

Senior: “Right. And if you don’t take care of you, you cannot take care of anyone else.”

Samuel: “So, self-care and mindfulness are connected right? What is mindfulness and why is it important.”

Senior: “Good question.  Mindfulness is the act of consciously focusing the mind on the present moment without judgment or attachment. For example, paying attention to the present moment, ‘What is going on around me? What are my surroundings? What is happening in my body/what physiological sensations am I experiencing right now? What am I feeling?’ Really taking time to recognize what is going on in these moments, not judging them as “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong,” etc, while also recognizing that this moment, these things, will pass.” A way to practice this is it to use what I call the “how” and “what” skills, which means to observe, describe, and participate in the present moment and do so nonjudgmentally (try not to use words like “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” just the facts), one-mindfully (one thing at a time), and effectively (figure out what works for YOU.. for example, if you know that having a conversation with a person at 9:00 pm is not going to go well then do not do that!).”   

Samuel:  “Again, this is so important as it relates to domestic violence victims who are often hard on themselves for not getting out sooner or seeing red flags in their relationship.  But in order to move on, they need to let go of the judgment and focus on what they can control in the moment. And for me, being in the moment also means they are paying attention to what is going on around them which is an important safety skill. Now, what is DBT and how can the skills assist domestic violence victims?”

Senior: “Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on reducing unwanted or “maladaptive behaviors,” and creating new, healthy patterns of behavior by learning coping skills. What I love about this therapy so much is that we ALL need skills! Skills help us every day of our life, and the skills that we learn in DBT focus on building healthy relationships and ending unhealthy relationships (interpersonal effectiveness), living in the moment (mindfulness), handling crisis and/or difficult moments in safe and healthy ways (distress tolerance) and regulating our emotions (emotion regulation). We all can benefit from that. Another important aspect of DBT to highlight is that this therapy also focuses on working to find the synthesis between things that may feel like polar opposites, or things that we do not always realize can exist simultaneously (this is the “dialectic” piece).  An example of this is “change and acceptance,” which is the core dialectic in DBT: we can (work to) accept our circumstances, our past, things that are happening or have happened to us, etc, while also working to create lasting and powerful change in our lives. Another powerful dialectic is that we can love someone, AND also recognize that the relationship is unhealthy for us, or does not align with our values and long-term goals. Dialectics can be difficult, and they can help create such powerful balance in our lives. Through learning different skills and working to find acceptance and create change in our lives, we can build what is known in DBT as, “our life worth living.”

—

Ms. Senior provided some practical and useful skills everyone can employ to take care of themselves.  Review them and reach out if you have any questions.  Carve out some time for yourself.  Slow down.  Breathe.  You are able to make better decisions when you have a clear head and your mind is not full of racing thoughts.  I know it is hard but your safety, your life is more important. 

Be safe,

L.J.

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#lauriesamuel #crimedoc #criminologist #domesticviolence #DVAM #cupidssting #nonprofit #crimedoc #safetyexpert #safetyadvisor #selfcare #mindfulness #DBT #violenceagainstwomen #femalebodiesmatter #Blackwomenmattertoo

Love is not supposed to hurt

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

Image result for domestic violence in black community

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards.  For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass her lips.  For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back.  For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain.  Pain borne out of insecurity.  Pain borne out of misplaced blame.  Pain borne out of pure evil.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.

Like many crimes, blacks are disproportionately represented as victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence.  Black women are 35% more likely to be victimized by a partner than white women (NCADV, 2017).  Black women are also three times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner.  Among black women ages15-35, domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  Love is not supposed to hit.  Love is not supposed to kill.  This is not love.  Sadly, these victims often suffer in silence.  They do not tell because they truly love their partners.  They do not tell because they are embarrassed.  They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support.  And they do not tell because they do not want to hand their man over to the police, an institution that has historically brutalized black men.

Domestic violence and intimate partner violence is such a complex issue that often those on the periphery resort to victim blaming.  Further in some communities of color this phenomenon is normalized with abusers given a pass.  This behavior is not normal.  Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal.  The black community needs to confront this issue and bring it out into the open.  Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing access to resources for victims and their support system are key.  These statistics no longer need to be our reality.  Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help.  Let’s end this now.  Change the norm.  Know the signs.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Condemn abusers and help the victims.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213/@Cupids_Sting
Follow me on Instagram: @cupidssting

#ValentinesDay #love #hurt #domesticviolence #intimatepartner #violence #EndDV #abuse #violenceagainstwomen #endthisnow #crime #justice #support #knowthesigns #help #protectourgirls #protectourwomen #cupidssting #nonprofit #MeToo #TimesUp #LaurieSamuel #crimedoc

The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

References

Jones, F.  (2014).  Why black women struggle more with domestic violence.  Time.  Retrieved from http://time.com/3313343/ray-rice-black-women-domestic-violence/.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.
Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

 

No Where is Safe

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

On Sunday, November 19, 2017 a young woman in Washington, DC was sexually assaulted by a man she thought was an Uber driver.  She was out with friends and flagged down a car with an Uber sticker so she could be taken home.  It turns out that the driver had been let go from Uber but was still driving around the city giving the impression that he was a full-fledged driver.  After the young woman and her friend were picked up, they were driven to the campus of American University where at some point, her friend got out.  The driver then circled around the campus and parked in a remote lot and raped the female passenger.  He then drove her to her dorm and dropped her off.  The female student then reported the incident to campus police who have video footage of the car with the Uber sticker prominently displayed driving around the campus.

No where is safe.  Not work, the gym, Capitol Hill, the spa, nor an Uber.  Why does this continue to happen?  Why do men continue to use the female body for their pleasure with total disregard for how their abusive actions and behavior will scar her.

This past summer, I experienced an unsettling situation with an Uber driver.  After being picked up in front of my home he immediately started asking me personal questions and staring at me through the rear view mirror.  I knew he was jerk and was trying to come on to me.  The driver was so distracted by looking at me in the mirror that he missed the turn to take me to my destination.  I told him to pull over as I was terminating the ride and as soon as I was safe, I jumped out of the car.  Prior to that however, I shared the driver information with my husband and a girlfriend and texted both about how strange the driver was acting.  The harassment is real.  It can happen anywhere.  But you have to take steps to protect yourself.  Always let people know where you are going.  If you do not show up at a designated time then at least they can back track your steps with information such as the car, plate, driver, etc.  And if you feel uncomfortable in a situation, DO NOT push that feeling away.  It means something is not right and you do not have to compromise your safety for anyone.  Be aware of your surroundings and be aware of people- known and unknown as unfortunately not everyone is your friend.  We are living in a different time.  The experiences of harassment, abuse, and misconduct faced by women are not new but now it is out in the open and it will no longer be swept under the rug.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @Cupids_Sting
Follow me on Instagram: @cupidssting

#Uber #sexualassault #rape #Washington #DC #AmericanUniversity #harassment #sexualharassment #sexualmisconduct #abuse #violenceagainstwomen #nomeansno #thisendsnow #endthisnow #crime #justice #selfdefense #protectyourself #beproactive #cupidssting #ljsamuel #MeToo

 

References

NBC Washington.  (2017, November 20).  ‘Fake’ Uber driver accused of raping DC student is released.  News4.  Retrieved from http://www.nbcwashington.com.

 

 

 

The Truth about Domestic Violence

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

dv-threat-picture

(Source: http://www.havenhousefsc.com)

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), approximately 33% of women have been victims of domestic violence.  This figure is misleading as it is based on official reports.  Many victims do not come forward for fear of greater violence.   If the 33% figure does not resonate with you, let me put it this way- your sister, mother, friend, cousin, co-worker, mentor, teacher, or loved one has probably been abused at some point in her life.  She has been pushed, punched, slapped, yelled at, demeaned, and threatened by the person she calls ‘partner.’  That’s not true, you say?  They would have told you, right?  They didn’t even tell the police.

After the smoke cleared, they picked themselves up off the floor and washed the tears off their face, put peroxide on their wounds, left a message for their boss to let them know they would not be at work the next day, then proceeded to make their abuser dinner so that he would not get angry again.

The truth is that this crime is being perpetrated in households all across the United States.  Domestic violence does not discriminate.  Whether you live in the most expensive house or public housing, violence may very well knock at your door.  Rich or poor, black or white, Christian or Muslim, gay or straight, domestic violence knows no bounds.  And so the victim puts on her mask and follows her script as society expects her to do.

For those of us on the outside, we think that if we were ever violated by a husband, boyfriend, or partner, we would never stay.  I can just hear it now.  “Girl, if he ever puts his hands on me, that’s it!  I’m walking away!”  Easier said than done.  Many women do not walk away.  One must first understand the psyche of victims to understand why.  The reasons are many.  Perhaps she does not have the courage to leave due to low self-esteem.  Maybe she is a stay at home mom and leaving means a loss of financial support and living in a shelter.  Then there are feelings of embarrassment.  Leaving means admitting to the outside world that she failed at her relationship and ‘allowed’ her man to hit her.  Then there is fear.  A large number of abused women are stalked by their partners while they are together and/or after they leave their abuser.  But there is constant fear that their abuser will find them and kill them because they had the courage to leave.  And lastly, there is love.  You loved him enough to stay ‘I do’ or remain in a relationship with him or raise a family together.  These are all extremely complex reasons so we cannot easily judge the actions of victims.  What we can do is support the victim and offer help.  We can increase our awareness of this terrible issue so that we know the signs if a friend or loved one is being victimized.

If a victim is scared to call the police, there are other resources available.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline for example, may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  The Centers for Disease Control also has many resources.  Their website is: www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention.

Be a good friend.  Don’t turn your back because you never know when you may need the same.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #violence #stopdv #itendsnow #nomeansno #pain #safety #justice #support #assistance #help #abuse #victim #victimization #truth #police #interpersonalviolence #cupidssting #ljsamuel

References

Barnett, O.W & LaViolette, A.D.  (1993).  It could happen to anyone: Why battered women stay.       Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  (2014).  Understanding intimate partner violence        fact sheet.  Washington, DC: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Follingstad, D., Runge, M., Ace, April, Buzan, Robert, & Helff, Cindy.  (2001).  Justifiability,      sympathy level, and internal/external locus of the reasons battered women remain in abusive      relationships.  Violence and Victims, 16 (6), 621-644.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.       Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.