Marriage

Valentine’s Day: Love Not Pain

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards.  For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass their lips.  For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back.  For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain.  Pain borne out of insecurity.  Pain borne out of misplaced blame.  Pain borne out of pure evil.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.

Here are the facts:

  • Every 17 minutes, a woman in Canada is sexually assaulted;
  • 1 in 3 women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime;
  • College age women are three times more likely to experience sexual violence than any other age group; and
  • Domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death among black women 15-35 years of age.

Love is not supposed to hurt.  Love is not supposed to hit.  Love is not supposed to kill.  This is not love.  Sadly, victims often suffer in silence.  They do not tell because they truly love their partners.  They do not tell because they are embarrassed.  They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support.  And they do not tell because they do not want to hand over the person they love to the police.

Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal.  Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing safe spaces to victims is key.  These statistics no longer need to be our reality.  Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help.  Let’s end this now.  Change the norm.  Know the signs.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Condemn abusers and help the victims.

Be safe,

L.J.

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Facebook: @cupidssting
Instagram: @cupidssting
Twitter: @Cupids_Sting

#lauriesamuel #crimedoc #valentinesday #2020 #love #notpain #domesticviolence #violenceagainstwomen #genderbasedviolence #awareness #prevention #reduction #cupidssting #nonprofit #resources #safety #DC #Toronto #GTA #Brampton #PeelRegion #Antigua #Caribbean #womensissues #globalissues

Dr. L.J. Samuel is an Author and Criminologist working in Washington, DC, Toronto, ON, and St. John’s, Antigua.  She is the founder of the non-profit Cupid’s Sting where she teaches women live-saving skills to reduce their potential victimization.  She may be reached at info@cupidssting.org.

Assaulted Women’s Helpline 1-866-863-0511

The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

References

Jones, F.  (2014).  Why black women struggle more with domestic violence.  Time.  Retrieved from http://time.com/3313343/ray-rice-black-women-domestic-violence/.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.
Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Photo by: Sydney Sims, Unsplash.com

Love is not supposed to hurt

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

Image result for domestic violence in black community

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards.  For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass her lips.  For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back.  For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain.  Pain borne out of insecurity.  Pain borne out of misplaced blame.  Pain borne out of pure evil.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.

Like many crimes, blacks are disproportionately represented as victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence.  Black women are 35% more likely to be victimized by a partner than white women (NCADV, 2017).  Black women are also three times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner.  Among black women ages15-35, domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  Love is not supposed to hit.  Love is not supposed to kill.  This is not love.  Sadly, these victims often suffer in silence.  They do not tell because they truly love their partners.  They do not tell because they are embarrassed.  They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support.  And they do not tell because they do not want to hand their man over to the police, an institution that has historically brutalized black men.

Domestic violence and intimate partner violence is such a complex issue that often those on the periphery resort to victim blaming.  Further in some communities of color this phenomenon is normalized with abusers given a pass.  This behavior is not normal.  Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal.  The black community needs to confront this issue and bring it out into the open.  Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing access to resources for victims and their support system are key.  These statistics no longer need to be our reality.  Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help.  Let’s end this now.  Change the norm.  Know the signs.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Condemn abusers and help the victims.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213/@Cupids_Sting
Follow me on Instagram: @cupidssting

#ValentinesDay #love #hurt #domesticviolence #intimatepartner #violence #EndDV #abuse #violenceagainstwomen #endthisnow #crime #justice #support #knowthesigns #help #protectourgirls #protectourwomen #cupidssting #nonprofit #MeToo #TimesUp #LaurieSamuel #crimedoc

The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

References

Jones, F.  (2014).  Why black women struggle more with domestic violence.  Time.  Retrieved from http://time.com/3313343/ray-rice-black-women-domestic-violence/.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.
Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

 

The Truth about Domestic Violence

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

dv-threat-picture

(Source: http://www.havenhousefsc.com)

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV), approximately 33% of women have been victims of domestic violence.  This figure is misleading as it is based on official reports.  Many victims do not come forward for fear of greater violence.   If the 33% figure does not resonate with you, let me put it this way- your sister, mother, friend, cousin, co-worker, mentor, teacher, or loved one has probably been abused at some point in her life.  She has been pushed, punched, slapped, yelled at, demeaned, and threatened by the person she calls ‘partner.’  That’s not true, you say?  They would have told you, right?  They didn’t even tell the police.

After the smoke cleared, they picked themselves up off the floor and washed the tears off their face, put peroxide on their wounds, left a message for their boss to let them know they would not be at work the next day, then proceeded to make their abuser dinner so that he would not get angry again.

The truth is that this crime is being perpetrated in households all across the United States.  Domestic violence does not discriminate.  Whether you live in the most expensive house or public housing, violence may very well knock at your door.  Rich or poor, black or white, Christian or Muslim, gay or straight, domestic violence knows no bounds.  And so the victim puts on her mask and follows her script as society expects her to do.

For those of us on the outside, we think that if we were ever violated by a husband, boyfriend, or partner, we would never stay.  I can just hear it now.  “Girl, if he ever puts his hands on me, that’s it!  I’m walking away!”  Easier said than done.  Many women do not walk away.  One must first understand the psyche of victims to understand why.  The reasons are many.  Perhaps she does not have the courage to leave due to low self-esteem.  Maybe she is a stay at home mom and leaving means a loss of financial support and living in a shelter.  Then there are feelings of embarrassment.  Leaving means admitting to the outside world that she failed at her relationship and ‘allowed’ her man to hit her.  Then there is fear.  A large number of abused women are stalked by their partners while they are together and/or after they leave their abuser.  But there is constant fear that their abuser will find them and kill them because they had the courage to leave.  And lastly, there is love.  You loved him enough to stay ‘I do’ or remain in a relationship with him or raise a family together.  These are all extremely complex reasons so we cannot easily judge the actions of victims.  What we can do is support the victim and offer help.  We can increase our awareness of this terrible issue so that we know the signs if a friend or loved one is being victimized.

If a victim is scared to call the police, there are other resources available.  The National Domestic Violence Hotline for example, may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).  The Centers for Disease Control also has many resources.  Their website is: www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention.

Be a good friend.  Don’t turn your back because you never know when you may need the same.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#domesticviolenceawarenessmonth #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #violence #stopdv #itendsnow #nomeansno #pain #safety #justice #support #assistance #help #abuse #victim #victimization #truth #police #interpersonalviolence #cupidssting #ljsamuel

References

Barnett, O.W & LaViolette, A.D.  (1993).  It could happen to anyone: Why battered women stay.       Thousand Oaks: Sage Publications.

Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.  (2014).  Understanding intimate partner violence        fact sheet.  Washington, DC: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Follingstad, D., Runge, M., Ace, April, Buzan, Robert, & Helff, Cindy.  (2001).  Justifiability,      sympathy level, and internal/external locus of the reasons battered women remain in abusive      relationships.  Violence and Victims, 16 (6), 621-644.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.       Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

 

 

 

 

 

Real Talk on Domestic Violence

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

image

Chances are you know someone that has been abused. Chances are you have seen a couple argue in public.  Chances are someone has put their hands on you, shoved you, or spoken to you in a loud, harsh, demeaning manner that could only be described as verbal abuse.  However you define it, it is all abuse.  And we need to do something about it. Females are being victimized younger and younger as they enter the dating world earlier, some as early as middle school.  We do not need anymore violence against women and we do not need any more killings at the hands of an intimate partner.

On Wednesday, March 23, 2016, there will be a discussion on this very issue at Shaw Library in Washington, DC.  This is a free community event so come out and lend your ear and contribute on ways to combat this crime and social disease.  Bring a friend or bring a young lady new to dating or bring an older woman who is more seasoned.  We need you all there!

There will be a social hour with refreshments and an opportunity to network with other women.  Please RSVP at bit.ly/1QDK4eC

Be safe,

L.J.

Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#domestic violence #dating #violence #onlinedating #singles #singlewomen #singlepeople #DC #DMV #DCdatingscene #WomensHistoryMonth #crime #justice #solutions #dontblamethevictim #ljsamuel #deardiary

 

 

You Have to Wait Your Turn

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

When I was 14, I wanted to be a rapper. I would write rhymes in my spare time perfecting my craft. I was recently cleaning out some boxes and found a folder containing my precious teenage writings. I sat down and read through the pages and chuckled at the fact that even at that age, I was trying to understand the world, people, and relationships. And now with age and wisdom, I understand a little more but believe that something can be learned from a young lady, full of life and innocence. So, here goes…

You Have to Wait Your Turn

They were dashed to the floor. Your love letters are no more.
I heard what you did and what you did was bad.
But I’ll pick up the pieces of the puzzle. No guy is going to give me trouble.
I kept up my guard for weeks and weeks. Companionship I did not seek. Dependent on a man, I am not. Anything he can do, I can top.
The men of today will have to learn. You just have to wait your turn.

Loving relationships are about caring and reciprocation. For relationships to thrive, trust is paramount. We all need to be honest. If you cannot be true to your husband, wife, or partner, then be mature enough to walk away before someone gets hurt. Sneaking around, lying, cheating, it is all very messy. When it is finally your turn, and you find the person that you cannot imagine living without, treasure them as the grass isn’t always sweeter on the other side.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#real #love #wisdom #honesty #truth #ljsamuel #deardiary