By: Laurie Samuel, Ph.D.

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October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the Caribbean, the United Kingdom, and the United States.  In Canada, it is recognized in November.  Domestic Violence Awareness Month is a time where we pause to highlight domestic violence issues in our communities, offer enhanced resources and assistance to victims, and carve out new space for survivors to share their stories on the road to healing.  But really, every month should be domestic violence awareness month because women are being abused by intimate partners every day of the year all over the world.  In fact, according to the UN (2018), one in three women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime.

In my work with domestic violence victims at Cupid’s Sting, they have so much going on in their lives with a stress level of 100.  They are making decisions about whether to stay with their abusive partner or to leave, taking care of their children and shielding them from the abuse, working, dealing with the police, the courts, and the list goes on.  One of the things I always recommend is that they take time for themselves and practice self-care.  On September 30, 2020 I had the pleasure of speaking to Ms. Brooke Senior, a DBT Therapist who offered some information on coping skills for domestic violence victims and shed some light into the practice of self-care and mindfulness.  Below is a snapshot of our conversation.

Samuel: “What is self-care?”

Senior: “Self-care is just what it sounds like, taking care of yourself, but what does that mean? It is so much more than what the media portrays. It is not just manicures and massages and warm baths, although, those things are nice and have their place! It is about finding time and holding space for your overall physical and mental wellness, as well as your safety. To me, self-care is also community care. Without taking care of ourselves, we cannot take care of others. When we do both, that is a community.”

Samuel: “The part you described about safety really resonates with me based on the work I do in women’s safety.  I often tell women that taking care of themselves is vitally important as it is at that point where they are tired and run-down that they are more easily victimized.”

Senior: “Right. And if you don’t take care of you, you cannot take care of anyone else.”

Samuel: “So, self-care and mindfulness are connected right? What is mindfulness and why is it important.”

Senior: “Good question.  Mindfulness is the act of consciously focusing the mind on the present moment without judgment or attachment. For example, paying attention to the present moment, ‘What is going on around me? What are my surroundings? What is happening in my body/what physiological sensations am I experiencing right now? What am I feeling?’ Really taking time to recognize what is going on in these moments, not judging them as “good” or “bad” or “right” or “wrong,” etc, while also recognizing that this moment, these things, will pass.” A way to practice this is it to use what I call the “how” and “what” skills, which means to observe, describe, and participate in the present moment and do so nonjudgmentally (try not to use words like “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” just the facts), one-mindfully (one thing at a time), and effectively (figure out what works for YOU.. for example, if you know that having a conversation with a person at 9:00 pm is not going to go well then do not do that!).”   

Samuel:  “Again, this is so important as it relates to domestic violence victims who are often hard on themselves for not getting out sooner or seeing red flags in their relationship.  But in order to move on, they need to let go of the judgment and focus on what they can control in the moment. And for me, being in the moment also means they are paying attention to what is going on around them which is an important safety skill. Now, what is DBT and how can the skills assist domestic violence victims?”

Senior: “Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy that focuses on reducing unwanted or “maladaptive behaviors,” and creating new, healthy patterns of behavior by learning coping skills. What I love about this therapy so much is that we ALL need skills! Skills help us every day of our life, and the skills that we learn in DBT focus on building healthy relationships and ending unhealthy relationships (interpersonal effectiveness), living in the moment (mindfulness), handling crisis and/or difficult moments in safe and healthy ways (distress tolerance) and regulating our emotions (emotion regulation). We all can benefit from that. Another important aspect of DBT to highlight is that this therapy also focuses on working to find the synthesis between things that may feel like polar opposites, or things that we do not always realize can exist simultaneously (this is the “dialectic” piece).  An example of this is “change and acceptance,” which is the core dialectic in DBT: we can (work to) accept our circumstances, our past, things that are happening or have happened to us, etc, while also working to create lasting and powerful change in our lives. Another powerful dialectic is that we can love someone, AND also recognize that the relationship is unhealthy for us, or does not align with our values and long-term goals. Dialectics can be difficult, and they can help create such powerful balance in our lives. Through learning different skills and working to find acceptance and create change in our lives, we can build what is known in DBT as, “our life worth living.”

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Ms. Senior provided some practical and useful skills everyone can employ to take care of themselves.  Review them and reach out if you have any questions.  Carve out some time for yourself.  Slow down.  Breathe.  You are able to make better decisions when you have a clear head and your mind is not full of racing thoughts.  I know it is hard but your safety, your life is more important. 

Be safe,

L.J.

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