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Valentine’s Day: Love Not Pain

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner.  Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards.  For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass their lips.  For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back.  For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain.  Pain borne out of insecurity.  Pain borne out of misplaced blame.  Pain borne out of pure evil.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.

Here are the facts:

  • Every 17 minutes, a woman in Canada is sexually assaulted;
  • 1 in 3 women will experience physical, sexual, and/or psychological violence in her lifetime;
  • College age women are three times more likely to experience sexual violence than any other age group; and
  • Domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death among black women 15-35 years of age.

Love is not supposed to hurt.  Love is not supposed to hit.  Love is not supposed to kill.  This is not love.  Sadly, victims often suffer in silence.  They do not tell because they truly love their partners.  They do not tell because they are embarrassed.  They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support.  And they do not tell because they do not want to hand over the person they love to the police.

Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal.  Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing safe spaces to victims is key.  These statistics no longer need to be our reality.  Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help.  Let’s end this now.  Change the norm.  Know the signs.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Condemn abusers and help the victims.

Be safe,

L.J.

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Facebook: @cupidssting
Instagram: @cupidssting
Twitter: @Cupids_Sting

#lauriesamuel #crimedoc #valentinesday #2020 #love #notpain #domesticviolence #violenceagainstwomen #genderbasedviolence #awareness #prevention #reduction #cupidssting #nonprofit #resources #safety #DC #Toronto #GTA #Brampton #PeelRegion #Antigua #Caribbean #womensissues #globalissues

Dr. L.J. Samuel is an Author and Criminologist working in Washington, DC, Toronto, ON, and St. John’s, Antigua.  She is the founder of the non-profit Cupid’s Sting where she teaches women live-saving skills to reduce their potential victimization.  She may be reached at info@cupidssting.org.

Assaulted Women’s Helpline 1-866-863-0511

The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

References

Jones, F.  (2014).  Why black women struggle more with domestic violence.  Time.  Retrieved from http://time.com/3313343/ray-rice-black-women-domestic-violence/.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.
Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

Photo by: Sydney Sims, Unsplash.com

Love is not supposed to hurt

~ Laurie Samuel ~ Leave a comment

Image result for domestic violence in black community

Today is Valentine’s Day.  Dinner reservations have been made and the night will bring flowers, candy, and cards.  For some women however, the dinner will be thrown to the floor in anger, cards will be ripped to pieces, and nothing sweet will pass her lips.  For them, the night means walking on egg shells in fear and fists driven into her chest and back.  For some, the one they love, the one they call husband, boyfriend, or partner is the one who inflicts the most pain.  Pain borne out of insecurity.  Pain borne out of misplaced blame.  Pain borne out of pure evil.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  But the chances are you know a woman that is in an abusive relationship and the beatings have become her norm.

Like many crimes, blacks are disproportionately represented as victims of domestic violence and intimate partner violence.  Black women are 35% more likely to be victimized by a partner than white women (NCADV, 2017).  Black women are also three times more likely to be killed by an intimate partner.  Among black women ages15-35, domestic violence homicide is one of the leading causes of death.  Love is not supposed to hurt.  Love is not supposed to hit.  Love is not supposed to kill.  This is not love.  Sadly, these victims often suffer in silence.  They do not tell because they truly love their partners.  They do not tell because they are embarrassed.  They do not tell because leaving may mean loss of financial support.  And they do not tell because they do not want to hand their man over to the police, an institution that has historically brutalized black men.

Domestic violence and intimate partner violence is such a complex issue that often those on the periphery resort to victim blaming.  Further in some communities of color this phenomenon is normalized with abusers given a pass.  This behavior is not normal.  Using the body of a woman as a punching bag to work out one’s anger is wrong, monstrous, and criminal.  The black community needs to confront this issue and bring it out into the open.  Increasing awareness, knowing the signs of abuse, and providing access to resources for victims and their support system are key.  These statistics no longer need to be our reality.  Our young girls and women deserve more and need our help.  Let’s end this now.  Change the norm.  Know the signs.  Acknowledge the behavior.  Condemn abusers and help the victims.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213/@Cupids_Sting
Follow me on Instagram: @cupidssting

#ValentinesDay #love #hurt #domesticviolence #intimatepartner #violence #EndDV #abuse #violenceagainstwomen #endthisnow #crime #justice #support #knowthesigns #help #protectourgirls #protectourwomen #cupidssting #nonprofit #MeToo #TimesUp #LaurieSamuel #crimedoc

The National Domestic Violence Hotline may be reached at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

References

Jones, F.  (2014).  Why black women struggle more with domestic violence.  Time.  Retrieved from http://time.com/3313343/ray-rice-black-women-domestic-violence/.

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.  (2014).  Domestic violence fact sheet.
Colorado: National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

 

Subculture of Violence

~ Laurie Samuel ~ 1 Comment

The Subculture of Violence is a criminological term normally reserved to explain crimes committed in poor, urban communities but today’s on air killing of WDBJ Reporter Allison Parker and Cameraman Adam Ward show us that these behaviors have not been confined within neatly drawn boundaries around disadvantaged neighborhoods.  This violence has oozed out of areas where it normally occurs and is now everywhere.  Rudeness, dismissiveness, and a sense of entitlement lead to poor and sometimes heated interactions which are precursors to violence.

We as a community have got to do better.  And, we have to treat each other better. It is no secret that those involved in these violent incidents are trouble souls.  They feel invisible because society does not care about them.  Or at least that is the perception.  They have been cast aside by family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers.  This does not excuse this behavior.  Violence is NEVER the answer! What it means is that we need to wake up.  We have a responsibility.  If something is out of the ordinary, say something.  If something does not seem right, do something.  Ignorance is not acceptable.  We can no longer be complacent spectators going through the motions of life.  We all play a vital role in this script. Now is the time to start caring.  Wave at a neighbor.  Smile at someone coming down the street.  Help an elderly person across the road.  Stop at stop signs and let pedestrians cross safely before you gun the engine to move quickly through the intersection.  Ask someone how they are doing and have the compassion to wait for the answer to ensure they are truly okay.  Slow down.  The world does not revolve around you or me.  The only way we are going to survive is if we go back to basics and start treating people kindly, gently, and humanely.  Hatred has crept into places that used to be off limits: our schools, playgrounds, churches, and workplaces.  We need balance.  We live in this world together and thus must be accountable to one another.  Recognize the warning signs and act on them.

Hurting people hurt, and in this case kill.  Let’s do better.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#subculture #violence #killing #crime #RoanokeVA #RIP #WDBJ #allisonparker #adamward #prayer #community #neighborhood #togetherness #kindness #responsibility #accountability #justice #peace

Courage

~ Laurie Samuel ~ 5 Comments

I was in the women’s locker room at my gym this past Saturday talking to a friend about my book.  I was describing the storyline, a domestic violence homicide, when something interesting happened.  Several other women in the locker room started listening and actually came over to hear what we were talking about.  As my friend and I chatted they started sharing their own experiences.  It was completely organic and unscripted.  I was floored that these women, who were strangers to me, were so willing to discuss such a personal part of their life with me.  There is something therapeutic about disclosure.  It truly is a part of the healing process.  Some of the women were able to speak candidly as the abuse occurred decades ago while others still had raw, fresh emotions.  Wherever they were in their lives, there seemed to be a common bond that created a small community right there in the locker room.  It became a safe place fueled by strength as they were able to break free from their abusers and are now living fulfilling lives filled with peace instead of violence.

So I leave you with this- forgiveness is bliss so forgive yourself first.  This experience does not make you you a bad person nor does it define you. You got out because you are courageous. Remember, God does not make mistakes. You are beautiful through and through. So let that light shine for someone who is truly deserving of your love and who recognizes what a treasure you are. Teach your sons, daughters, friends, and neighbors what self-worth really is so that we can break this cycle of violence and everyone regardless of space or place can be safe in their homes.

Be safe,

L.J.
Follow me on Twitter: @CrimeDoc1213

#strength #courage #peace #love #female #empowerment #community #forgiveness #personalsafety #domesticviolence #spousalabuse #crime #justice #ljsamuel #deardiary